


When I Think Of You by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Hurt Kirk, Hurt Spock, M/M, Memorial Poem for all those I love in Heaven, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 08:37:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10356480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: Poetry that could well be about KS





	

**Author's Note:**

> Memorial Poem, written and sent with love...  
> From me to my loved ones in Heaven  
> Perhaps, from Kirk to Spock, or Spock to Kirk  
> And in honour of Mr. Leonard S. Nimoy, whom I realise I have no true right to grieve over,  
> No claim to lay down that I ever knew him...  
> I have not even ever been the perfect fan with regards to him and his co-workers  
> And yet, and yet (why do I keep doubling up my words - for emphasis, whether it is good grammatical, structural practice or not!), again, and again, I know that I have genuinely kind and loving feelings toward him  
> \- And, I do not believe, truly I do not believe, in all honesty with myself,  
> That they can be explained by fan girl hysteria, or the jumping on of any kind of band-wagon...  
> I hope that, he, too, (and, by extension that, his family would, do like-wise, not that they, or even he, will ever be called to), will accept me as I am, with a look of their most genuine kindness...
> 
> Love to all those I love in Heaven... 
> 
> Written by: Bethany S. Heard-Hubbard  
>  
> 
> Categories: Poetry  
> Characters: None  
> Crossover Fandom: None  
> Genres: Kirk/Spock Slash  
> Other Languages: None  
> Story Type: Angst  
> Trope (OPTIONAL): Hurt Kirk, Hurt Spock  
> Universe: AU Alternate Universe, ST:TOS Original Universe  
> Warnings: None  
> Series: None  
> Chapters: 1 Table of Contents  
> Completed: Yes Word count: 1421 Read Count: 148

When I Think Of You

When I think of you, gone ahead  
To some kind of greater knowledge  
And Everlasting Love, beyond my own, that I carry (and that which I know you still carry, as you promised, for me);  
I see you fulfilling evermore  
Of what life is truly about  
I know that you are safe  
And I am reminded again  
That although there are a thousand reasons  
Some logical, some not  
That it can be argued that those who don't believe in Heaven are the realistic ones,  
I cannot join them in their appraisal  
Not just because I have you to meet again  
Though, oh, how my very soul, my every instinct  
Cries out for it; for reunion with you  
To look upon that face of yours I truly love, again, to know your definite presence  
Visible, tangible, ever real, reachable by more than just a journey through memory  
And the searching of the link that binds us, that God gave us each other to love  
\- Not just for all of this, Glorious gift!  
But, for reasons I cannot absolutely describe or begin to quantify-  
That is faith, I'm sure...  
And it's not just there to ease my fears, or explain a world I'll never understand  
I know that  
It doesn't even give me answers  
Because, like I said, I'll never understand,  
And though my heart knows that there are a billion reasons not to Believe,  
There's you  
Having acknowledged this conundrum, it's not just wishful thinking  
I've agonised over this faith; I continue to do so  
And though every sensible fibre in my evident, sentient being, urges me to say no  
I know that I cannot, for I believe  
It is a matter of fact;  
One that I'm not especially good at living for or with,  
And, top of my reasons for trying, if God, however God exists,  
Will forgive me for not exactly putting Him (?) first;  
Is what, though I live here;  
(And you there now,) I do strive for;  
Being reunited with you -  
When this half of life is done  
When I have no more responsibilities here  
When my time has truly come, (for now, I live for)  
You welcoming me to your Heavenly home to share  
I can, I have experience of this, be tempted to think, from time to time,  
Should I take matters into my own hands?  
And just pray that I'm allowed to join you, having left this life...  
Yet life, and love of those in the life we shared, and hopes of other kinds, responsibilities,  
Keep me tethered here, until these matters are taken from my hands.  
I fear dying, so that keeps me here, too  
Yet, I do not fear death, unless I manage to screw things up (?)  
Mostly, I fear knowing which of my mistakes God will agree are, or were, mistakes,  
I fear running out of time to make myself worthy of a place in Heaven in spite of those vile perceived or actual mistakes...  
And, I hope that, conversely, which 'He' will say; some, were mistakes, only in my own mind (for which I will be grateful)  
Yet, all of this, I am willing, and hope to face,  
For you, my Beautiful, and so loved, cherished one  
Because I hope that your change in literal perspective,  
Will not have left you now thinking, that I do not love you as much as I proclaimed is true,  
When you were altogether here...  
\- And I HOPE that you will forgive me everything that my fears fear I have done  
That you will, and God will too,  
So that I can be with you, and know the family, and Grace, that I have missed for so very long,  
All wrapped up in, and around, you  
So that I can be with, commune with, settle with, this sense of family, properly, yet again  
Chief among those in the company of Heaven, at the Centre of all this I pray will be mine to rest in, you...  
You must know that I crave to be with you  
Again  
Open arms, an open soul to stand right next to, and feel the warmth of,  
And the signature of that warmth; that is yours  
To be surrounded by your love  
Our love, a love that we both added to,  
My Cherished and So Loved, Beautiful One  
I hope that you know, that you feel, because I know, where you live now, you still feel so much,  
That I still love you,  
That I haven't let you down... Unforgivably, at least  
I hope that you will forgive me  
As I suspect you need to  
And, you do even now, and will, still cherish me too, just as I remember you absolutely doing,  
I do long to be back together with you  
I know that my ideas of Heaven are limited by this life that is all, for now, I know  
That perceptions cannot even be gathered, not really  
I know that Everything is going to be different; whether I want it to be or not  
But I need you to know that though my human failings  
Worry me still, and I do not deny that I have been imperfect around you,  
I LOVE YOU... Still did, even as I sometimes said things I shouldn't have,  
And I love you now, always, always will  
Unquestionably, my heart, that place where, according to this existence,  
My soul, and all my love, resides  
It is yours  
All those times you said something loving  
Make me evermore aware, especially now, that I wasn't as kind as I should have been  
To one whom I love, to you, whom I love, as much as I do  
Even though I know you did hear me say I love you in your lifetime in THIS existence,  
I am grieved by those few times I know myself to have been unfair  
Though I know that I am, and can only be, as human as God, apparently, made me  
Human, and this something different but kind and good  
That God set in store for me to be, to try to be,  
From the day He thought of me...  
Therefore, I know that it is every person's responsibility to be more,  
To be better than we are tempted to be,  
And, being aware of that, there is no excuse  
When failed or failing as horridly as I have, to be the best that we are all, undoubtedly,  
To try and be; I know I hurt myself,  
And those who look upon me from Heaven (you, of course)  
I have that inside of me; that knowledge of duty, (and now, it is, more than ever, a duty to you)  
So, why have I not always lived up to it?  
Or even tried as hard as I know I should (do, and have done)..?  
Forgive me, I pray  
Welcome me  
And, when comes my last day here  
I then want to be in Heaven with you,  
Where, until the moment arrives when I will completely know my fate,  
I shall evermore pray that you will, wholeheartedly, welcome me,  
My loved one, you, so very sweet and absolutely dear  
Dear not in cost to me  
For you gave your love and generous spirit  
And I will never forget the strength of conviction with which you did so  
I love you (I hope you know)...

 

Written: 28.2.16

From me to my loved ones in Heaven  
Perhaps, from Kirk to Spock, or Spock to Kirk  
And in honour of Mr. Leonard S. Nimoy, whom I realise I have no true right to grieve over,  
No claim to lay down that I ever knew him...  
I have not even ever been the perfect fan with regards to him and his co-workers  
And yet, and yet (why do I keep doubling up my words - for emphasis, whether it is good grammatical, structural practice or not!), again, and again, I know that I have genuinely kind and loving feelings toward him  
\- And, I do not believe, truly I do not believe, in all honesty with myself,  
That they can be explained by fan girl hysteria, or the jumping on of any kind of band-wagon...  
I hope that, he, too, (and, by extension that, his family would, do like-wise, not that they, or even he, will ever be called to), will accept me as I am, with a look of their most genuine kindness...

Love to all those I love in Heaven... 

Written by: Bethany S. Heard-Hubbard


End file.
